Astonish Linen Fresh. Would you break your heart to mend someone else’s ?

So, sorry Zoflora. So sorry Zoflora. It’s over and it’s not me it’s you.
We found someone else and we love her.


Our all time number 1, Zoflora Linen Fresh is not our number 1 any more.
In fact, we can barely remember her name. Oh her, yes, we used to know her a little bit. Is it odd we gender disinfectants? Not really. Disinfectants are definitely female. Obsessed with their scent but actually when you let them inside you, they’re fucking deadly.

We have opened our hearts to ‘Astonish’, in particular to Astonish Linen Fresh and we had no choice. It breaks our heart to do so but we simply had no choice. We’ve broken our heart to fix theirs.

We loved Zoflora, every time we thought of Huddersfield (which, admittedly and sensibly was not that often), we thought of it. We loved the first time we ever used it (down the toilet in a Travelodge in Hull. Oh, those were the days).

But we had to break our heart, and doubtless Zoflora’s too. There’s no doubt about that.

We had to inhale the future. And the future is Astonish Linen Fresh. It somehow manages to smell even more florally industrial than Zoflora. It’s quite the thing. It’s cheap and desperate and desperate to be wanted and loved and fixed. It’s bottle is a knock off of Detol and its branding a knock off of Microsoft Word Clip Art. So what else could we do but give in?

Your pleas please me

Here’s the deal, then, Astonish. You fix our floor and we’ll fix you. Unlike those callous so and so’s over in Huddersfield, we know you will not ignore us or our repeated, obsessive pleas. We know they’ll be in touch real soon about how we can be a brand ambassador for them. Oh yes.

Image credits

Internal bleeding by Thought Catalog

Inhale the future, Unsplash