Review: Bath Power!


How bitter do you think most rivalries are? America and the USSR? That Russian Guy who rocky punched the face off? Did they hate each other, really? Utd and City? Do they really hate each other, really? I don’t mean the fans, I mean, say, does the account manager at Man City hate the graphics designer at Man Utd?

I don’t think so.

Do they hate each other, or really, do they really need each other?

Look at Scargill now Thatcher is dead and that unfortunate business I am not going to mention: you become what you hate. I think you grow into your rivalry, like how ivy clings to bark.

Having said that, I am not sure trees need ivy. You get my drift though. It’s poetic licence. Cleaning based websites are drenched in rosy poetic licence, by necessity, by definition and by dettol.

Most rivalries are 1:1 But on the cleaning aisle, in amongst the traditional ‘big hitting’ rivalries (Domestos vs Dettol, Bold vs Ariel etc etc. We all know the stories and myths) which have been trading heavyweight slugs over the years and across the shelves, a new challenger emerges.

This challenger bursts onto the scene like a hopped up anarchist looter in harrods after an afternoon on the Frosty’s Cider. Windmilling furiously, this bad boy doesn’t aim blows at just one rival. Oh no. This tyke is aiming to take on the whole damned ailse, from the dishwasher tablets right down to the ‘mimsy’ bit with the wicks candles and air fresheners.

This bad boy is taking on the system

a 1:all rivalry.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Internet, Bleach and Tonic bring you Bath Power (It should have an exlamation mark at the end. From now on, we shall refer to it as ‘Bath Power!)’

Look at the Dettol next to it. (You can’t really see the actual bottle, I could not take many photographs; I was getting an odd look by a lady (in pyjamas, if you please!). The dettol is aiming for class; with photoshopped rain drops which make out it is an essential shower accessory amongst the organic sponge and molten brown scrubs. The gentle ‘oxygen’

On the other side of bath power !, the actual brand sadly lost for ever, we can see the functional blue and the caustic symbol which is supposed to be ominous but for cleaning affectionados is actually how a honey bee views a fat pollen heavy stamen.

Adverts luring you in with sensualness and casuticness in 50 cm of generic supermarket shelving. How wonderful is the age in which we live so cleanly?

Bath Power!) goes for a default squirt bottle with badly and irregularly alligned stickers. There is little love and even less precision engineering here.

Default red and yellow with a white border on the logo. This is not a logo which has particularly taxed later versions of PhotoShop. Generic ‘New’ sticker and ‘anti bacteria’ (as if anything at all in this sceptred aisle is pro bacteria)

Unremarkable, thus far. Churned out in some dismal warehouse to the sound of BBC Radio 1 and by bovine workers chewing over domestic dramas like cud.

Where things get interesting are, as always, with the words. Look at the serried ranks of them:

Look at that fucking claim! SHOCK! This product actually works!

What sort of fucking claim is that? A slander, on the whole aisle. I know, technically it is libel but I picture the bottles and the cheap cardboard tray screaming the phrase.

This isn’t some Dettol vs Domestos scuffle. This isn’t some allusion to being a shower essential. In a way I like their disdain of meekness, but more than I like it, I am scared by it.

This is a big, big claim. Is Bath Power ! the radical of the cleaning aisle? Does Zoflora, really not work? Is it the only brand with the balls to tell the truth? A visonary, out of odds with the mainstream for now but destined to become legendary? Neo of aisle 4, cleaning matrix?

Or a paranoid maverick?

Sadly, I never got the chance to test it out. Daunted by the implications of the outlandishness of the claims, and tempted instead by the sticker, I went for the Flash Bathroom at £1.50

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *