But we can’t help loving it The wife, Mrs Gin (and please don’t write in saying that’s sexist, it isn’t), hates it. She thinks the Roomba has a foot fetish and goes straight for her toes every time it ‘senses’ them. As an aside, the foot fetish is an odd fetish, isn’t it? We’ve never […]
Category: Review
Even better than the real thing? Astonish Linen Fresh first thoughts pre-review
Great Artists Steal We are astonished. Taking our permitted exercise down the Tesco Cleaning Aisle, (going the wrong way just to show those sheep SOME of us are not so easily swayed), we saw it. Astonish Linen Fresh. Just let that sink in. Zo..Zoflor…no..Astonish Linen Fresh. Brazen at the copying, of course we popped a […]
Midnight is when the day begins… Zoflora Lemon Review. (A smell of memory)
“I feel”, sang Bono, “That I’m slowly, slowly, slowly slipping under”. Amateur. Just wait till you get older. As you get slower, everything else gets faster. You slow down but you don’t slip under. Rather, all the things you managed to keep your neck above conspire. They rise up and drown you. And there’s no […]
Bloo total review: Our extinction gift.
Neither day nor night Astonishing times, indeed. Signs of the transformation are everywhere – the lockdowns, the general unpleasantness, and, most disquieting of all, the fact it has not rained in Manchester for neither 40 days nor nights. Yes, the prophets and the books of wisdom are true: The world as we knew it is ending, […]
Shake ‘n’ Vac. A classic after all?
Fish ‘n’ chips Chas ‘n’ Dave Shake ‘n’ Vac It seems if you want to be a great British institution, you need to abbreviate the ‘and’ to the much jauntier ”n”. Bleach And Tonic. Bleach ‘n’ Tonic, then? Hmm. Food for thought. Hmm indeed. Hang on a minute though. Let’s take a look at […]
Our washing machine history is a metaphor for the postwar socio-economic history of Britain. If that title does not intrigue you, then go fuck yourself, basically.
Bastard Hoover. Bastard, bastard Hoover. Fuck them. Fuck ’em. Dyson should roll into their HQ in armoured cars and flatten it. Raze everything in a 20 mile radius to the ground and sow salt into the soil. All memory of them should be expunged from the history books. Hoovers should be hung from every lamppost […]
Things fall apart. Things fall apart like a foxtrot
Slow, slow, fast. Life is slow. Life is fast. And time is revealed to be a lie. Phyisics says it is a steady, linear progression. But it’s not. It’s not at all. Inside each moment is another moment, a drop within a drop. Time refracts randomoly through them. ‘Dying is like climbing a hill’ said […]
Detol POWER & fresh ADVANCE multi-purpose review
First things first. We’ve talked again and again about shitty, slapdash labelling on cleaning products. Detol really take the biscuit with this. Look at the words here: Some UPPER case, some lower, some a miXtuRe. How do they design their labels, like this: Apart from the vulva pink, it’s so unappealing on the shelf: We […]
King of Kings: Zoflora Linen Fresh, Supersize Review: Do you remember your first time?
Do you remember your first time? We do. It was a few years ago, in a Premier Inn in Hull. We were with the delightful Ms Tonic and our families. Hers: funny, well behaved etc. Ours, well, lets not go there. Temper tantrums in cafes. Refusing to use the toilet as they had been trained. […]
Carry on through it all…with Detol spring waterfall
Us, recreating a spring waterfall in our sink in Manchester. At the moment we are watching an illegally downloaded copy of ‘La La Land’. They’re singing about sun. We’re sat in our antique armchair, scent spilling through the house. Life is not good. Of course it’s not. But, right at this moment it is not […]