We had a lovely holiday, thanks for asking. We – Mr Gin, Mrs Gin and the two little gins – went to the Island of Arran whilst Ms Tonic was on a cold case investigation *somewhere in Europe**.
Whilst walking on Arran in rain, I had a massive spiritual awakening. It started off a bit like an asthma attack – breathlessness and diziness but then I remembered I don’t have asthma, so it must have been God announcing himself, shy, to me. I could see both the smallest things; the dew on the morning grass, the trace of the wind through the leaves on the trees, some clingfilm someone had dropped, and the largest: the mountain, my rather poor state of mind, Mrs Gin’s backside. I could see all the soil stretching from here to even where you are.
For a moment, I thought I was going to have revealed to me a huge answer, I was going to be shown how all these things connected. I hadn’t even realised I’d asked the questions, so in a way God is a bit rude. But then I realised that, just as I didn’t have asthma, I didn’t have religion, either, and the moment passed. I burped and continued my rainy ascent.
To symbolise the moment, to preserve the I brought a log home to keep on my desk:
I thought all the secrets which I had glimpsed the shadow of would be revealed to me when I looked at it, bored at work
But God is natural, and, almost absentmindedly, we’ve conquered nature. Look at how high nature can make trees:
Nothing, compared to a concrete factory. So, back at home I am bereft of god but not of dirt. Luckily, I have the answer. Dettol disinfectant spray:
This might be the first product we’ve reviewed of which Mrs Gin approves.
“Now this is good stuff” she said. The first hint of cheerfulness since her hangover kicked in.
I myself was not so sure. It smelt very bland to me. They’ve clearly been trying to invent a smell flavoured ‘natural’. But, just as when you say ‘God’, you think of big moments, of death, of glory, of fucking meaning, when you say ‘Dettol’, surely you think of the gorgeous Dettol smell. The stench of it almost. The stench of perfection. The answer to everything cleaning based.
They’ve toned it down for this. If bleaches were crimes, Dettol the liquid would be the best one; murder. But this one seems almost harmless in comparison. Perhaps some minor domestic violence charge. An environmental catastrophe, perhaps. Why they’ve toned it down, I don’t know, but toned it down, they have. If I had the answers, I’d use them. I wouldn’t dilute it or hide it behind something trying to look natural.
Having said that, it is a pretty solid product. It’s got a good spray, a good set of boasts about how harmful it is (always a re-assurance)
This one also kills flu. Fantastic. Lets hope that soon we see this becoming as ubiquitous as the 99.99% germ kill claim which we have seen over and over again. This could be the start of something big. An answer, finally, albeit a man made one. Maybe one day we might even see ‘kills cancer virus’ on tins, God willing
*Her father in law told me that she has taken 90 photos of the crime scene and has a revolutionary theory in the offing. Both a rudimentary understanding of legal laws and an even looser understanding of morality prevent us from giving too much away…yet.