Lately, having given up drink, drugs, ambition, gambling, good coffee, hope and any kind of happiness, we have been drinking a lot of herbal tea. To be honest, we hate most of it.
Green tea tastes like piss, we imagine. Lemon tea is citric piss and peppermint tea makes us constantly piss.
Seriously, we could easily kill ourselves by drinking twenty cups in a row of peppermint tea. Perhaps this is not the place to discuss this, but we’d piss so much we’d end up dead by the sink, dead of dehydration. A withered husk, as if Eccles were a sultan’s arid desert, rather than an ‘orrid sultana dessert. We live in Manchester, not Eccles but we just wanted to indulge in some fancy wordplay there. Should we have bothered? Agreed. Let’s move on.
For, hating, swearing at and then giving up these vices has left a vacum, vast and black and jagged inside us. To replace it, we’ve been drinking a lot of tea. It had become a chore, one more thing, you know? Ever think of the futility of it:
Fill the kettle.
Boil the kettle.
Put the teabag in the cup.
Put the water in.
Take the teabag out.
Too much effort, and we’re going to have to do it time and time again until finally, blessedly, it’s all over.
(As an aside, do you ever wonder if there is a God, and if there is does he/she collect facts? When you go to heaven -where everything smells of linen fresh -will you be able to look at a database of all the facts about you, about the world? How many cups of tea you’ve had? How many times you’ve hoovered the floor? If there is an afterlife, I would think I would need to know stuff like that. Important stuff. The small things are the big things, really. I find it unforgivable that every day someone does the biggest poo in the world, and never knows about it, for instance.)
Anyway, drinking tea had become a chore, a routine to colour the blankness in, until we found this:
Dragonfly tea Vanilla Rooibos
Now, right off the bat we’ll admit we have no idea what / who a Rooibos is. We’d have to say it’s something to do with a Kangaroo but we think that’s probably wrong. What is it with companies using new words to jazz up stuff? We have to admit, we quite like it. It adds a glitter of excitement to the grind of our existance.
If you look at the side by side pictures, you will see that they used to display the ugly best before on the front of the package:
but new packs they’ve stopped that. Thank goodness. Look at that beautiful logo. Just a simple logo of a dragonfly in front of a beautifully coloured top down view of a cup of char. Now look at the horrificness of that font, Jan2020, ok that might be important to some (although we personally feel best before dates are for losers. Especially on fucking tea. Who gives a shit. We’ll be dead by 2020 anyway, we hope)
The rest of it, 7038 18:36, presumably that’s batch number and time it was produced. Who cares? Who is possibly going to buy tea because of that? No one, either remove it or stop using the stencil font
However, We can forgive everything when we taste it. It tastes like a creamy sunny day, like floating cool and airy through a hot dream. Creamy Vanilla. Velvet bliss in a place where time is your own. Wonderful. We have drunk gallons of the stuff most likely – we’ll find out exactly how much when we get to heaven – and have enjoyed each and every soft cup. When we drink it, we close our eyes and imagine we are walking through a big, clean house out through open French doors to a sun lit back garden. This is quite an achievement for a cup of tea, especially when we are drinking it in a filty, frozen house. Seriously, look at this, look at what we walked down to this morning:
But one tidy up, one cup and we were golden:
Even better, look where it is from:
Earstwhile home of Mr Gin. That ‘spoons used to be a furniture shop where we bought the very desk we are writing this from, 35 years ago. Well, our parents bought it:
So, Bleach And Tonic loves this stuff, will love it for ever. Our favourite disinfectant is Zoflora Linen Fresh, our favourite drink would probably be that too, were we ever to be courageous enough. But for now, it’s this. Dragonfly Tea Vannia Roobios, whatever the fuck a Roobios is.