Harpic ‘White and Shine’ Bleach: Review. Next year’s turner prize?

Another trudge through drudgery. I don’t know how long I can keep this up for. I am old, yes, but still the thought of days spooling in front of me terrifies me.

I keep shirts for best, but there is no best. There’s not even not bad.

And on we trudge, dressed the best we judge the day to be worth. Trudge onwards.

An unwanted journey, from nowhere via nowherespecial and then back to nowhere. All the time wearing sensible fucking socks.

I can’t wait for it to be over, to be honest. All of it. It’s late, I’m tired and I’m ready for my death bed

There’s got to be a fair percentage of the populace which tries not to punch the air on being told they have terminal cancer. Finally knowing the difference between real joy and the feelings they’ve pretented to feel over the years. A fake smile painted over a fake smile, till finally it starts to peel upwards. Trying not to smirk as you ask how long you have left.

I walk around the streets and at least some people look as unhappy as I feel. God, imagine if there is an afterlife or re-incarnation. Having to go through this some more. Unbearable.

But whilst I wait for the good-bad-news, calculating on all the damage from all the terrible drugs I used to take, I piss. I pee in toilets all over the country and whilst I do, I look around to see what bleach has been used, and on doing so recenctly, in Sussex as it happens, I noted this:

Harpic ‘White and Shine’ Bleach.

First things, I supposed, with a sigh, the title was supposed to be a pun on ‘Rise and shine’. Back when we were happy, Mrs Gin used to sing the song to me, sometimes:

God, it’s annoying.

Just as annoying is Harpic’s packaging. Exhibit 1: inconsistent use of title case. Again and again we see this. If I had the energy any more, it’d enrage me. They lowercase the ‘for’ and the ‘and’ but titlecase the ‘all’.

Exhibit 2: An arrow going nowhere
Exhibit 3: Some lemons on the packaging which are never even referred to again.

We’ve seen this before and before and before. Just because the marketing companies don’t care about their products doesn’t mean we, the users, don’t. Some us do, deeply. Well, at least one of us does anyway.

After I peed, I put some down the pan

Now, sorry to be NSFW, but this stuff looks just like spunk. It’s unpleasant seeing it all crawl down the pan. Tons of it. I can’t believe no one in product development had the guts to mention this to the Harpic managers before this went to market, which led me to think that, along with the shoddy packaging, this is actually some sort of existential joke by harpic. Some sort of post modern commentary on, maybe, existance, or reproduction. I don’t know. I’m not a clever person.

I love the idea of making an ironic toilet cleaner. I love the way that, were Harpic to talk about this as they meant it, about how they had sold toilet cleaner which, actually, looked just like spunk, and,oh, wasn’t that funny, it would revolutionise how we saw corporations, into seeing them as something altogether more human. It would create a new world, a world where art is not made just by wankers but by cleaning corporations. A better world. A world just worth living in, perhaps.

As it is, it’s an joke for those in the know. I think times life is like this too. I wish I knew.

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