Nuking nature with Dettol Surface Cleanser: review

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These are mad times to be alive. Nature is like ISIS, basically. We’ve beaten it fair and square but rather than just admit defeat, it has retreated to the wilderness.

A couple of hundred years ago, our relatives would shit themselves every time it was windy, hoping their roof wouldn’t fall off. Now we have constrained it. We’ve invented strong nails, and ways to shoehorn rivers and how to stem floods (except in Somerset but who the hell cares about those hick toffs? Boo hoo hoo my £2m house has a wet floor)

So now nature has to get sly to strike back at us. Bacterial mutations and antibotic resistance, for instannce.

However, humans strike back, hard.

###Dettol Surface Cleanser.
Cleanser, if you please! This packaging is trying to balance a difficult act, simultaneously boasting about how deadly it is, whilst maintaining what I call an ‘aura’. This isn’t a mere cleaner, oh no! It’s a cleanser.

Their website says it’s gentle.

Hmm, not really sure I buy that as a description of chemical bleach

Personally, I can’t be arsed at all with all that bollocks. I like things which talk about how brutal they are, and Dettol must think I am a typical consumer, because they have hastily overlaid all the phrases about gentlessness and photoshopped images of waves with a sticker which proudly proclaims that it wipes out bacterial, flu and allergens.

Quite a boast.

Can this really kill flu? Whilst thousands of Africans die of Malaryia or dysentry, and we focus on the ones with ebola, back in the west we kill flu which lurks on our solid wood kitchen counters. There’s an injustice here, for sure, but there’s beauty too. Millions of years’ of Nature’s evolution in building germs to gang up on our immune system casually destroyed by one squeeze of the trigger.

I’ve taken to spraying this everywhere, on my laptop, on my kitchen counter, a spray half way through the dishwash cycle. In my head, I think this can’t be healthy, but I am not thinking with my head, I am obeying the Detoll marketing and thinking with my heart. And in my heart, I adore Detoll.

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