Just because you buy ‘luxury’ goods in Tesco does not make you rich. And just because ‘luxury’ goods are expensive does not mean they are good. Method cleaner review. Bang bang average.

Remember the murder of Jo Yeates. Awful, awful stuff yes. Not to be crass, though, but it was just one of a number of cases that we solved. Another example was the Washington Sniper. Me and Ms Tonic were a formidable team. Us doing the intellectual leaps of reason you have to undertake to solve crime from your laptop. Huge, tortuous, draining bounds, which left us shaking and exhausted afterwards. And her doing the donkey work, the administration, the tidying up of loose ends. Very much ‘crossing the ‘t’ and dotting the ‘i’s. Yet, who needs to do that in the age of Microsoft Word 2007. But nonetheless she was an adequate and sometimes even useful help. Of course, as per, our anonymous emails to the leaden footed yokels at the local CID were ignored.

Aspirational Pizza.

One thing struck us from that routine murder. This line from the Daily Mail (won’t link to it, not sorry)

I head up the hill towards Clifton, the leafy part of the city. It’s quieter now, and darker. I find Tesco, and go in. I almost buy that upmarket pizza; the choice tells me Jo wanted a lovely life, something above the ordinary.

Tesco Finest Pizza is not upmarket, it’s not luxury, and if you need to find pizzas aspirational, you need take a long hard look at yourself.

And with that, we are at this piece of shit:

non-toxic surface cleaner


(Spacing and casing the designer’s)

It’s as if the graphic designer did not quite have the balls to go all lower case, so reverted to upper for the screaming ‘DAILY KITCHEN’ bit. Daily Kitchen what? It’s such a meaningless phrase. What does it fucking mean? Seriously, this is the stand-out phrase you want your consumer to read about your product?

“method, well, it’s a daily kitchen, ain’t it? I’ll have 2 pints of it, mate’? We don’t think so.

They should delete it and revel in the space. If you’re going to be all cool and ballsy – which is a great approach – then have the balls to do it properly.

Look at the iPhone box there. Do Apple feel the need to put meaningless bollocks like ‘DAILY KITCHEN’ on it? No. Do they need to mix casing to look all cool? Nope. If you try to look confident but also look like you don’t quite believe you are, you look like a twat.

Most other cleansers have a picture of a toilet with stars coming off it, or a picture of a flower, or a tap. Having a cool minimal vibe is a great idea for a cleaning brand, there is so much space for innovation in branding for cleaners, but method are so average at it.

This is the crux of it for us. Method, sorry, method, go for the cool and modern vibe with their range of bang average products. It almost looks like bubble bath, or some enhanced vitamin drink. But they go and blow it with their shit design and it ends up just looking what it is – a mediocre cleaner.

Mediocre is great

Now, don’t get us wrong, average is great. Just look at our average lives; average houses, average smartphones, average shops at Tesco. That’s actually pretty cool, right?

What smarts is that they look as if they’re aiming for the stars. And if you’re going to do that, you have to at least reach the moon. Otherwise you look pathetic.

We will give them this, though. Every fucking other cleaner on the market plasters all over itself that it kills 99.9% of germs. When everything does something, do you need mention it? No, no you do not. For it becomes the banal, the taken for granted. It’s not a selling point if its ubiquitous. Ford cars do not say ‘drives forward and also reverses’, and neither do Rolls-Royce. Apple computers do not say ‘Turns on and connects to the internet so you can look at porn on it’ and nor do cheap ass Chromebooks.

And for that, sincerely we thank them. For that, but for nothing else.