Do you remember your first time? We do. It was a few years ago, in a Premier Inn in Hull. We were with the delightful Ms Tonic and our families. Hers: funny, well behaved etc. Ours, well, lets not go there. Temper tantrums in cafes. Refusing to use the toilet as they had been trained. Crying fits and kicking and screaming on the floor . On and on all fucking day and all fucking night. And that was just Mrs Gin. Anyway, there was a smell in our bathroom. One of those smells, know what we mean? It was ruining the whole ambience of the Premier Inn. It was ruining everything. We love the anonymity of hotel rooms, the idea that they are stateless. Having a reminder of someone being there before you is awful.
Our greatest achievement, in fact, came in a hotel room. We were staying at a religious hostel in Koln. One morning the maid said to us “Das Zimmer so sauber ist, ich dachte, niemand hier aufhielt”. Impressive, no? We could have married her on the spot for the kindness of her words. The idea that we were invisible, traceless. Clean, finally. Our hotel room in Hull was not like that, it was clean yes, but the smell. Oh, the smell.
“I’ve got just the thing” said Ms Tonic, and out of her handbag she brought a bottle. It was a bottle of Zoflora. Of Zoflora Linen Fresh. The greatest. She opened the top and put some down the toilet and instantly, the room became better. Lighter, softer and kinder. There we were, we were transformed.
“What is that?” we asked with trembling wonder.
“Why this is Zoflora” she said “It’s wonderful.” Immediately, we went to the nearby Tesco. We had not spotted it before. Tesco have an unforgivable habit of stocking Zoflora on the bottom shelf:
From that moment on, we were addicted. Not as addicted as Ms Tonic, mind you, but addicted nonetheless. Now and then, Ms Tonic would recommend new editions to try. Spring Garden, Warm Cinnamon, the hateful Rose, and so on. And we did try them, we did. But nothing holds a candle to the peerless Zoflora Linen Fresh.
The greatest achievement of mankind, and we really mean that. Aliens watch and judge each and every one of us all the time. Every thought and action. If they finally got off their arses and came down and you had to show them one thing that showed all our worth, surely it would be a bottle of Linen Fresh. It encapsulates ideas of cleanliness, of order and of neatness. Fantastic human traits. It smells fantastic, and so shows the importance we put (or SHOULD put, Mrs Gin) on appearance and hygiene. (Only joking dear!). It’s cheap, packaged beautifully:
Inventions like the space shuttle or the Universal Declaration of Human Rights are all well and good. But they’re very show-offy. A bit full of themselves, if we’re honest. We think true beauty lies in the aspirations of the every day; not to exit the world, or to signal our virtue, but to keep the house clean and tidy. Surely, when all is said and done tidyness has a bigger benefit on people’s lives? And if it does (and it does), then surely Zoflora Linen Fresh is at the top of the tree? The greatest. Previously we thought the ‘standard’ Zoflora Linen Fresh was the greatest achievement of all. Thornton & Ross have topped it by making an even bigger bottle available. IF we were picking hairs, we would say reduce the words on the packaging. Whilst no doubt you will be taken with the idea of an impromptu trip to Huddersfield on trying this, there isn’t really a need for the address on the front label. The same with the phone number. We applaud the international stance they take by putting the international dialling code for the UK on the bottle. (fuck you Farage). But, realistically, how many Arab Sheiks are going to ring them up and offer them a billion pounds after trying this? One or two, at most. Better would be a twitter ‘handle’ (do remember to follow @bleachandtonic on twitter). Also, the dilution of 1:40 is a bit off. We use the stuff at least 1:2, oftentimes neat. We like the smell so thick you think you can see it. It’s probably health and safety making them say that, though.
But that’s just being picky to get the word count up. This stuff is perfect. Almost drinkable it’s so good. The best. Zoflora Linen Fresh. The greatest. And the greatest just got greater. The King of Kings. Rejoice.