We’ve looked at the dubiously sexist Mr Muscle before
Now, reluctantly it must be said, we turn our attention to him once again. We don’t want to (we’d rather just talk about Zoflora all day) but the last review got 10,000 views and to be honest, we need the traffic.
I know! 10,000. Mental, right?
Mr Muscle Toilet power strips.
We’ll tell you straight out that we haven’t used this. In fact, straight after the photographer left, we chucked it out
First things first. Wearily, again and again on this blog we have lamented shoddy packaging on household cleaning products.
Look at this:
That’s a picture of the iWatch box. Before you write in, we stole the picture off a website, there’s no way we’d buy one of those pieces of junk. All our disposable income goes on Zoflora (and Gin).
The point is look at the thought that Apple Computers Inc put into their packaging. Not bad eh? Looks pretty tactile, doesn’t it? Makes you want to put that watch on and stroke it. Makes you not even mind too much that you know you are about to go through some awful menu about synching passwords to the cloud.
What do you have to say in response to that Mr Muscle? Why should I postpone my purchase of the iWatch and buy you, instead?
Quite a lot. Quite a lot of words and just stuff there. Not really so tactile, is it? Not really wanting to make me stick this down my toilet.
From the packaging it seemed that this was destined for the Dutch market. Our thesis is that this rubbish was stopped at the border by Dutch Environmental Protection officers and was then shipped en mass to the UK afterwards.
The warnings about the stuff are so ominous that perhaps it was some sort of environmental sabotage by the Dutch in revenge for the behaviour of our replica football shirt wearing, drunken oaf tourists in Amsterdam.
Bleach and Tonic is ashamed to say that we must count ourselves amongst those drunken oaf tourists. Still, waking up with a stolen bike and a pocket full of Tulips just goes to show you’ve had a good night.
(every time we hear ‘Tulips’ we think of this NSFW from Sid the Sexist)
But you can tell that Johnson prefer the Dutch. We get one * beneath the 5/1 claim; they get two. 5/1 it says, then lists one claim, about limescale. Lazy Mr Muscle, very very lazy.
Not as slapdash as this, though, your designer has Copy and Pasted the wrong fruit:
What about the back? How does that compare to the iWatch packaging?
Apple has acres of whitespace on their packaging. Absence of words being, in itself, a statement. What do you have to say about that Mr Muscle?
Quite a lot! And quite a lot of it in Dutch, too.
Yes! Why not make the first sentence on your packaging about how harmful the product is to unspecified ‘aquatic life’. Do squid, one mile beneath the Pacific really get itch eyes every time I flush my kids unflushed piss away?
OK, so first sentence; it’s going to kill every living thing in the oceans stone dead? Fuck them, they’re only fish. What next? Wait, what? POISON CENTRE is jumping out of that wall of text (WOT) , screaming at me. Hmm. You’re really selling this to me.
Turn to the sides. First, an illustration. How much did it cost, do you think to hire the Dutch Master who drew this:
They’ve tried to break up this WOT with some icon that looks like some hand making a pistol sign in front of the most sparsely written book ever. Ok, it’s not great (it’s shit) but at least it’s visual. After that POW! An ORGY of colour and visual attraction!
Ha ha our little joke. What wags we are:
What does it say? Forcing myself to read this is like forcing myself to read War and Peace.
Ok, let’s make a start. Oh. It’s just yet MORE shit about how this is going to kill my kids. Plus instructions to read MORE instructions inside the packet. Instructions about instructions. WTF?!?
Honestly, honestly, I would LOVE to know how long it takes to design the packaging for things like this. They are SO SHIT! They all have the N in 1 claim about how much they do, they all have the ‘kills 99.9% germs’ claim, they all have a mixTurE of FONts ANd CaSES WHICH MAKE thiNgs SO hard TO READ!!! They all have shitty word art images. Mr Muscle is the worst of this, for sure. They have about a million words on their packaging. It reminds me of this
That is the Times from 1932. But it’s not fucking 1932 anymore, Mr Muscle. It’s 2015. Alright, no one wants to be here, in this ghastly modern world, but we are here, we’re stuck with it. We’re stuck in a world of synching to clouds, and designer packaging and white space and tasteful font. Make an effort for fucksake.
We can re-do it for their packaging for them in one sentence:
‘DONT BUY THIS UNLESS YOU WANT TO MURDER FISH AND THEN YOUR KIDS BUT NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER’