Come closer now.”
Under Milk Wood by Dylan Thomas
Old Dylan was right. Time passes. My children have grown and wrinkles have appeared on my face. I looked and I didn’t see them, and then I blinked and now I seem to be old.
And what else is old? Why, my Vileda Supermop. First I bought the mop, then I bought a new mop head, then a new handle as the old one got snapped when I shut the back door in a violent rage. There is actually an interesting philosophical discussion to be had about my mop, and life. For, just as after 7 years every cell in your body is replaced, every part of my mop has now been replaced. Is it, therefore, the same mop? Instinct tells me not. Yet, if it is not, am I the same me from 7 years ago? Lets hope not, either. Anyway, lets veer away from murky debates and have instead some, relevant for once, ‘Only Fools and Horses’
As I looked the other day, and mopped, I saw how grey and listless my mop head had become.
An unpleasant metaphor
To Tesco’s, where we purchased this beaut:
Hang on a minute! ENHANCE!
3 fucking D
Let us be honest for a moment, although, what is honesty if not cowardice?
3D is shit, isn’t it? No wonder 3D TVs never caught on. Who wants to fumble for their bloody stupid glasses just so they can watch hugh read the news? No-one, that’s who. (Another philosophical paradox there)
There’s something very 1950s American Sci Fi about it all.
Is that the image a modern cleaning product should be aiming for?
I think not. On the other hand, I bet they had awesome cleaning chemicals in the 1950s, before bothersome Public Health Bodies banned them all. I would love to have poured, say, DDT down the toilet after my kids had used it.
Anyway, my point is is that it’s all terribly retro, and, if we are honest (cowardice, etc), shit.
And shit is not what mop vendors should be aiming for.
That said, I’d bought the bastard before I noticed the off putting 3D and in any case, had no choice. Vilda have cornered the mop market, utterly. There was nothing else in Tescos except for a comedy ‘hair’ mop.
These are WOEFUL cleaning products, because the hairs malt faster than Bobby Charlton, or, it would seem, Dennis Wise
And you find the stringy grey dirty wet hairs all over your floor
So you have no choice but to turn, however reluctantly, to Vileda. Vileda must know this. If I were the head of marketing I would put a huge ‘FUCK YOU’ on their packaging, and then sit back laughing as sales fell 0.0000001%. Perhaps that says more about me than it ought.
Anyway, a new head on the new stick and off we mopped. Very nice indeed. I kept looking down at the clean new mop as it mopped, and then I plunged the head into the dirtying water and tried to have no more philosophical thoughts.
You can’t say fairer than that.