Review: Sainsbury Floor Cleaner, direct application


This one has us stumped.

When we were a kid, and our father would swear at the VHS recorder after fiddling with the moulded plastic buttons for five minutes, and then bitterly denounce the entire modern world as if it all were responsible – every man jack of it- in silent, mallicious collusion for the production of confusing vhs players soley for his own mental confusion and decline, we would scoff gleeful. Yeah, he could beat us in an arm wrestle. But could he set the timer to go on to tape the Bill on Thursdays at 19.58 and off at 20.35 (in case of overruns), knowing the difference between SP and the magical LP? Could he fuck! Time and time again he recorded half an hour of static.

Regarding static, it’s largely irrelevant to this (except for the last line) but did you know it is a relic of the big bang ?

But the world turns and most things turn with it. Plants, mountains, fashions.

The thing is, dear reader, as the world spins faster and faster, from SP to LP, and the days pass by in a blurr, we are not so sure that is that the world has moved on but rather that we have stood still.

Everything looks the same, and yet almost everythig is different.

We are no longer the scofer, we, we fear, are are l’object de ridicule. We are the ones fumbling with the metaphoric vhs. beta males maxed out. Somehow, somewhen, the tracking went and now we are lost in a world of static, confused and alone.

We are the man unable to comprehend how to use this bad boy:

![confused you will be](”/>

We have stood still as the cleaning world has moved on and what was once unthinkably modern is now just banal.

The thing with this fucker is that you don’t need to mix it in water. You just squirt it on the floor and mop. No need for a bucket of hot water (scented with Zoflora)

As an aside, look at that logo. 99.9% dead, again. We’ve seen that before, eh, old friend? We are becoming intrigued by the elusive .1. Can someone write in and give us the name of the .1%

Now. Doesn’t that leave you utterly befuddled? You just squirt it on the floor and mop. Doesn’t that seem disconcertingly dirty? I tell you frankly I was troubled. I looked around, as if somehow my confusion was being assessed. But there was no one there. I was alone with the tight walls.

Tentative, making myself notice how comforting the font they used on the label was, and telling myself to be as brave as James Bond would be, I squirted some on our floor, and surpressed a squeal. Then I mopped. It was all well and good but it just felt so disconcerting. It made me uneasy. Using Sainsburys Floor Cleaner Direct Action makes you feel like the universe is playing an obtuse joke on you. They can stick that on their labels as a quote, if they like.

When I was younger, my father simply refused to use the VHS. He sneered at it, belittled it, like it could hear him and tremor. I am sure he kicked it when no one but the universe was looking. But there was a terror there too, I think.

I do not belittle Sainsburys Floor Cleaner Direct action. Cleaning products are the cornerstone of our society; they are far too important to mock. I adore them. But, frankly, I admit this disconcerted me too much to use.

In the end, I squirted it in a bucket and mopped the traditional way. My body felt as if I had exhaled a deep breath as I did it. Yet, I am under no illusions. The world is moving on, nothing is permanant.

Our children will use this as they use iPods and think nothing of it. And our generation will grow old and tremble and dissolve into the dusty static.

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