Review: Waitrose Pine Disenfectant. Ski from the comfort of your own toilet

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I despise Ocado. Abhor them. They’re one of only 3 companies which I unrecommend. Never mind the others, for now.

There are a few tedious reasons for my ire but the main one is, the second to last time I bought from them I bought £150 of food. It came on the Friday and at least £100 of it had a best before date on the monday.

A real cunt’s trick from them, that. Sorry, but it is.

However, again for reasons more complex than I am willing to explain, we ordered from them again. Once more will my youngest toddle off to school with his football kit in one of their bags. so middle class

The core component of my order, as far as I was concerened was this fucker:

£1.15. Not too bad. Slightly more than Tesco’s Everyday version, which is only about 50p but then you are paying for the packaging; it has a natty blue cross on it which makes it look clinical and a nice picture of a green bucket. Tesco’s has a sink which looks like a 1970s television on theirs, and they must have run out of time as they used the same pine icon 3 different times. Did they think no-one would notice?

Compare and contrast

So I bought this and used it immediately. Well, immediately after peering at the best befores wanting to be dissapointed. Wanting, and indeed found wanting.

Tomorrow Mrs Gin takes to the slopes. No, that’s not a racist way of saying she’s going to bang a chinese man, she’s going skiing.

We can’t wait. Her, for the banal checklist of piste ups, pistes, skies etc etc, me because more thrillingly I shall have a clean house for a whole week.

In honour of the occasion and in honour of her departure (“Drive safely, dear”), I pine freshed. Is that a verb? It should be.

It smells divine. My house smells like Courcheval. My hall smells like a wintry wilderness. I expect to see Sara Lund out of Fortitude trudging down it

Well, I’d hope rather than expect if I’d only be honest with myself, for once

So, my advice is don’t buy perishables from Ocado, but do buy bleach. Buy this stuff, inhale it really, really deep and then clean. Then there is no need to go skiing, you will drift through your own house as if you were in a high alpine meadow somewhere

Keep clean!
Mr Bleach

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