Fish ‘n’ chips
Chas ‘n’ Dave
Shake ‘n’ Vac
It seems if you want to be a great British institution, you need to abbreviate the ‘and’ to the much jauntier ”n”. Bleach And Tonic. Bleach ‘n’ Tonic, then? Hmm. Food for thought. Hmm indeed.
Hang on a minute though. Let’s take a look at that list in more detail. Talking of food, let’s start with:
1: Fish ‘n’ Chips. A classic. Agreed:
We recently learned that in the Second World War, Fish ‘n’ Chips was not rationed. Instantly, the horrors of the war receded and we were moved to ask: Aside from the 20m dead, was it really that bad? People bang on about rationing. We don’t get why people just didn’t go to the chippy every night. A trip to the chippy, a mug of tea and a sit down for an East End sing song. That’s our Friday. Except substitute YouTube for ‘sing song’. Also, substitute either ‘Rwandan coffee’ or ‘Vanilla Roobios Tea‘ for the tea they used to drink. We know that makes us sound slightly on the pretentious scale, but truth is important.
The second best fish ‘n’ chips we ever had was in Whitby. The wind whipped up the alleys and we hid in an old red phone box and ate it all, howling with delight. (We were arseholed on ale). The second best fish ‘n’ chips ever. We know what you are asking. Not: ‘Why did I click on this link?’ Not: ‘Which bozo keeps a mental list of their Top 5 Fish ‘n’ Chips experiences?’ No. You are asking: ‘Intriguing. What about the best fish ‘n’ chips experience?’ Well, it was in Madrid. Madrid, Spain if you please. And that red phone box of Whitby? No blue plaque for that, that’s doubtless been replaced. Who needs a phone box these days? Times have moved on, you see?
Fish ‘n’ Chips? Obsolete
2) Chas ‘n’ Dave. Again. A stone cold classic. We had a friend who used to sing ‘You got more rabbit than Sainsburys’ when his girlfriend nagged him.
We admit his bravado impressed us greatly. However, knowing her, we had the suspicion he would’ve had to apologise profusely when he was no longer in company. That suspicion took the edge off our naked adoration. Much as me might want to, we would not dare do that to Mrs Gin. Nope. Not at all. Not to her face, anyway. Our nickname for her used to be Graf Spee. She is a fearsome pocket battleship.
Just like fish ‘n’ chips, there is however another ‘But’. Entirely without evidence, we believe both Chas ‘n’ Dave voted for Brexit. That don’t half take the edge off.
Another ‘hmm’ here. A bigger one.
Chas ‘n’ Dave? REDACTED UPON LEGAL ADVICE.
3) Shake ‘n’ vac. The subject of our review. You will see they call it Shake n’ Vac which infuriates us. We shall continue to call it Shake ‘n’ Vac. Not least because otherwise this review would make no sense.
Our third classic of the evening? It starts well. One of the greatest adverts of all time:
We think we have reviewed this before, but given how shit the search is on the site it is very unlikely you will ever find it. We love the stuff. We pour it on the carpet as if we are dropping Agent Orange on a pristine rainforest. It is a wonderful feeling and never fails to brighten up our day. Especially the magnolia flavour. If you pour the whole bottle down at once, it makes the air as thick as cream. Wonderful. Of course, there are some naysayers. Some negative ninnies who are never satisfied. To whit, Mrs Gin. She eyes it very dubiously.
‘It’s not cleaning, it’s disguising smell’ she says. And for once she is correct. This doesn’t clean. It hides smell. Instead of this, you’d be better off finding out what smells and giving that a proper wipe down. So. A third ‘hmm’
Shake ‘n’ Vac? A beautiful disguise. But a disguise, nonetheless.
So it seems the ‘n’ in a name is not the indication of classicalism after all. Consequently, Bleach And Tonic we shall remain.
In other, more substantial news, we have a new podcast out: Please give it a listen.
Actually, don’t bother. Having looked up how to spell suspicion on google when we were talking about how our mate used to talk to his girlfriend (now ex wife), we got sidetracked by the results. The first was ‘Suspicious Minds’ by Elvis (The King) on YouTube. Look at this:
Perfection. God we would have LOVED to have been there. If we had a time machine, that would have been our first destination. Vegas, 1970.