The contents of my hands, morning, 2nd March 2015
Sometimes, it’s best to go back to basics. Not in a whole John Major shagging Edwina Curry way.
Christ. Cleaning is apolitical, but that’s a gruesome image isn’t it?
No, what we mean by ‘back to basics’ is that we have been fannying around with trying to recreate the majesty of – and you know what we’re going to type here already, don’t you – Bloo Sweet Tulip.
Staring at the results of ‘esoteric cleaning products’ on Google, it struck us that we were trying to solve a problem that, actually, couldn’t be solved. Bloo is gone, Mr Bleach. Face it.
So we went back to Sainsbury’s (fuck you Ocado. Fuck you) and ordered some old favourites;
toilet cleaner pine, by Sainsburys and
toilet cleaner aqua (that weird phrase again) also by Sainsburys
The review model we have here is pine:
We can see, immediately, a couple of problems with the packaging. We can see that Sainsbrury’s started off with some idea of a cool, minimal font but it looks like one committee did the heading, one the sub heading, one the ‘by Sainsbury’s’ and one the ubiquitous 99.9 % germ kill. Why bother advertising that? Everyone has that on their products.
But in the end, the label looks too complicated. There’s too much going on for the simplicity they were going for to have worked. There’s a mixture of bold, italic and bolded italic which just makes it look overdone. It’s like a child who had just discovered ctrl I and ctrl B had been let loose on the design.
I bet, bet, they wanted a more minimal ‘Sainsbury’s’. I bet, bet, they tried to get ‘sainsburys’ but the fuddy duddy managers shit themselves about the lack of the capital ‘S’ and the apostrophe. So in the end it is only the title is lower case
Even worse, if we look in closer detail;
We can see that the label is frayed at the edges. It looks really untidy and slapdash. Come on Sainsbury’s. Alright, it’s only a quid, but make an effort. Surely the more casual customer is going to be subliminally impressed more by the neatness of a tidy label than by the same old 99.9% germs dead boast?
Anyway, never mind all that. We got it delivered, squirted and sniffed. Beautiful. It smells of pine, alright, but an even better smell than natural pine. It smells like the pine forests which have grown up around Chernobyl. Beautiful and chemical. Irradiated.
It has just the right degree of gloop, too. Aldi and Toilet Duck take note. It sticks to the pan for maybe a couple of flushes maximum and then all that remains is the kind of bubble bath in the water. Perfect.
We dettoled the hall this morning, and pined the upstairs toilet and we stood on the stairs in chemical rapture.
Mixed in with the rapture is nostalgia. Wikipedia is criminially lacking in details, but this type of disenfectant is surely the earliest commonly available scented flavour. I know you’ve been able to get Zoflora since the 1930s, but we ourselves never had it till we were enthusiastically welcomed into the ‘Zoflora club’ in a bathroom in a Premier Inn in Hull.
So this stuff reminds us of youth, of lazy summer days and of awkardness and hope. We squirted it in our toilet and were transported back. A tardis for only a pound.
When Mrs Gin returns from work, and after she has spent seven fucking hours telling us about her five hour working day, we’re going to suggest she bin all her war paint. Instead, she ought to daub herself in this stuff. Admittedly the bright green colour might be distracting but with her age that can only be a boon. She will stroll down the corridor and in her wake, everyone will sniff the pine and think themselves 19 again.
Back to the days of this:
Review Summary. Unlike the image of those 2 rutting; heavenly.