The inevitable smell of the etheral everlaster: Zoflora Linen Fresh Review (oversized bottle edition)

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When we did our count down of the top 14 Zofloras of all time, Zoflora Linen Fresh was at both number 1 and number 2.

How could it not be? How could it not be?

Zoflora Linen Fresh: Too great to just be number one. This is the greatest summit of human achievement of all time. We genuinely believe that Zoflora Linen Fresh and all it stands for is more meaningful than the Moon Landings (which were faked anyway. Space travel is just clever nerds showing off to try to get girlfriends. It’s not important. But those geni at Zoflora have produced the smell of heaven, which cleans your house and is available all over Briton for a quid.

To be able to produce something that smells like it does which also has cleaning powers of bleach is a staggering, staggering achievement. Just think of all the obstacles and adversities that have had to be overcome to take us from cowering in the caves to relaxing on our sofas, with our iPads and mopped floors.

What’s changed since our initial review? Well, Zoflora have only gone and improved perfection, haven’t they? They’ve released an oversized bottle of the stuff. We are currently getting through over one a week and let us tell you, it is wonderful. We have come so so close to drinking this stuff on so many occasions. We bet it is good for you: how can something which smells so good burn so bad?

We take this stuff everywhere

And we put it everywhere too. We clean our laptop with it, our headboard and have a bowl in our dressing room. It means we are perpetually surrounded by the smell of heaven, by the smell of Zoflora Linen Fresh.

What a scent! A scent of picnics on sunny days, of sheets starched stretched billowing white on summer days. A scent of houses empty but for sunshine, of possibility. We believe the government should mandate this for every one and from every public building. They should increase production by a factor of 500 so they can pour it in lakes and rivers and let its scent flow through the land. They should spray it on dirty crops and sweating towns, pump it into the underground and the overground and the undergrowth so every beast in this kingdom, from Newt to hedgehog to barmy prince of wales is drenched in it. Finally then, there would be heaven on earth.

Zoflora Linen Fresh is not just the greatest bleach on earth, it is the greatest thing on earth. Stick a bottle on the alter in the vatican; we are done here people.

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