Troubling times in Bleach And Tonic’s world. Last week, we went to a wedding, where we met Dr Harpic. We also met him. We must tell you more about him at a later date. The fat sun sat smug in the sky. And we watched him. (It is getting rather tiresome italicising all these ‘him‘s, but we have started now so have to wearily trudge on with the practice).
That’s quite the word, isn’t it? Doesn’t it sound beautiful? It sounds like it should be drinking white wine on a sunny terrace. There is a hint of remorsless danger there, too. It has only just occurred to us but already it is in our top 5 words of all time:
Since you ask
Quite often we over think things.
Yes, at the wedding, we saw him. He walked like a panther. Not aggressive, not predatory, just sure of himself. We had never seen a man with such control. In a world of boys pretending to be men, he walked sure. We could have watched him all day. Just walking, observing him and his perfect life. Except no we couldn’t, because even us, with our semi autistic blundering through life recognised that this would be just a little stalkery. So instead, to be alone, we went into the kitchens of the venue to check out the cleaning products. On the whole, impressive.
One thing we saw though was troubling; one of those j-cloths used for cleaning. We despise these. We think they just spread germs around. It is the same thing for the scourer, too. One needs two. One for pans and one for surfaces. That is just clutter. We adore the pan scourer, don’t get us wrong. It is – and we are being serious here – surely one of mankind’s greatest achievements. Womenkind, too, if they were involved in its invention. Realistically, that is a big IF, mind you.
Lately we have been dabbling with wipes. We are not convinced though; we don’t like the way they clump in their packets and feel a bit sodden to the touch. We prefer something firmer.
Our preferred solution is the humble kitchen roll. True, it is never going to win any glamorous awards at the ‘Cleaning Oscars’
How we -deeply- wish the Cleaning Oscars were a real thing instead of one of our well worn day dreams. It could be in LA and make celebrities out of the inventors of Zoflora. Bleach and Tonic would host it, we are not too proud to beg. We are not too proud at all. We imagine, somehow, Domestos and Dettol getting into a furious fight backstage. It’s so obvious Domestos and Dettol HATE each other. We could have floor product of the year, bleach of the year, disinfectant of the year (‘God, Zoflora AGAIN, so predictable’). And we could have all those technical Oscars, like they do at the real Oscars. Kitchen Roll would win one of these. A lifetime achievement, perhaps. It’s not galmorous, not new, not attractive but when you need to clean a stain you reach for it and depend on it. Much more dependable than wipes, which seem (somehow) a bit fickle. Much cleaner than a scourer. And the J-cloth? We know what you’re thinking; let’s not even talk about the J-cloth we saw at the wedding, let’s talk about him again. And we shall, and we shall.