The unhappiness flows from me like thick rivers of yellow Sainsbury’s Toilet Cleaner (citrus edition).

We vowed that bleach and tonic (dot com) v3 would be an upbeat jaunty look at the lighter side of cleaning.

==get this down you boy==

We’d take a sideways look at the cleaning news. As an aside, how we wish cleaning news was actually a part of the news. Who cares about leiscter city…see we can’t even spell it. Big deal they kicked a stupid ball into an even stupider net more times than Chelsea city. zzz. What WE want to know is what they used to wash their kits afterwards? There must be a LOT of grass stains to get out.

Imagine sitting watching ‘News at 10’ on your sofa of an evening. It’s that time when you tell yourself there’s no point in another bottle, when resignation meets bored sadness, and all you can think about is your life and how desperate you are to be alone to, to finally have the courage to… (‘Aim for Lightness’ Mr Bleach, ‘Lightness’).


Imagine our joy if the ‘News at 10’ had a regular cleaning section with up to the minute news and opinion on what’s the greatest bleach of all time (it’s Zoflora Linen Fresh), what the ‘bad boys’ of the cleaning industry got up to at the BAFTASs of the cleaning word, if they even have them (and they should), which superstar hand model is going out with which hunky boffin at Domestos, and so forth. That was a bit sexist, really. Some women can be clever, too, especially nowadays. But we shan’t apologise. Go fuck yourself. That’s right. We too are bad boys of the cleaning world.

We’re not really, we’re just fakers.

We like to think Mr Muscle employ the real bad boys of the cleaning industry. Tough men. Men who drink at lunchtime. Men who chew gum. Mr Muscle is such a sexist, unapologetic title, it’s got to be staffed by Gene Hunt types.

Wouldn’t a new look ‘News at 10’ like that be that fine? Yes it would but unfortunately, unless someone can be arsed to organise an ‘Arab Spring’ type revolution (An ‘Arab Spring Clean’ if you will), it’ll never happen. Don’t raise your eyebrows at us to get the ball moving, We am far too busy with our happy, busy, happy, successful, happy lives.

It’ll never happen, because it’s not real life and real life is real shit. Real life is, unbeknownst to smiling children on sunny summer days, a forced trudge. It’s a trudge between woe and disaster. Life is a trudge that takes you under grey gloupy stress, through red red despair, and finally into the gloom of pine forest silent, hollow sadness. A vast silence that makes you think you might be more broken than you can ever possibly fix. But life, despite taking you on this unwanted trudge to these dangerous place, is also fucking tedious in the extreme. Surely the only rational thing to do is to…

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==(‘lighter’ Mr Bleach…)==

Yes, er vowed that bleach and tonic’d be lighter. And it will be lighter it will. One day.

In the meantime We’ve recently been using Sainsbury’s Toilet Cleaner, a lot. Wow, what can we say? Our review unit is the citrus edition. The colour of it is thick and yellow. The type of colour you wish you could piss when you’re pissing in a drunken stupor and the consequences you’d so blithely ignored at the start of all the drinking start to cackle, sly in your head in the stillness away from your friends..

==After the party==

The smell has got a pious unpleasantness about it that we here adore. We’ve taken to squriting it on worksurfaces, desks and even – thrillingly – behind headboards to permeate the house with it’s stench. Mrs Gin hates it. Thinks we’ve got a dead animal somewhere in the house. We simply blamed the cat. (More to follow about that odious creature)

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