#Top14 Zofloras: 2. ‘Move him into the sun’


The world turns, Friday comes and I watch ‘Escape from Alcatraz’ with my son. And, as we watch, I touch type and I can’t belive what I am typing.

I want to absolve myself of all responsibility for what I am about to type.

If militant Zoflorists come for us following the declaration of what is number 2, and come for us they must, let them come for Ms Tonic and not for me.

She drew up the list, and she alone is responsible for this.

The second best Zoflora is…



No, I can’t do it.

Perhaps it is the weather. Dark falls on us, perpetual. Spring seems as distant as history, as distant for certain people, perhaps, as happiness.

Nothing happens and nothing happens slowly. The world turns again, dark into dark. I clean the sheets and open the windows but still spring time does not come.

Against this backdrop of Gloom, Ms Tonic has chosen – and get ready -Linen Fresh as the second best Zoflora.

The only thing I can think of is that it’s such a springtime scent that she feels it out of place in this perpetual gloom.

For me, and this is what I say when I am called to account for this post, it is unarguably the greatest of all time. Should I get my way, I should send a bottle of this into space as a symbol of everything man has achieved on earth.

Aliens could cleanse and cower

This was the first Zoflora I ever tried, in the toilet of a Premier Inn in Hull on a city break. You never forget your first time.

To have this as not number 1 – in my view – is a farce. But Ms Tonic insisted, and you know what women are like. She simply insisted.

In my head it is number 1, always and forever. I love you Zoflora Linen Fresh. Forgive me!

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