Top#14 Zofloras: 5

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This one had us riven. You know how, over Christmas, there is always something which will cause an argument so murderous that bad violence is the only answer? Well, in South Manchester (if you count the wythenshawe district, where Ms Tonic lives, as South Manchester), ruby red blood was almost spilt dirty over number 5 here as we talked about this over dinner.

We’ll just come straight out and say it. It’s Warm Cinnamon. (read our review)

What? Bollocks! Warm Cinnamon deserves to be much higher in the list.

I know, right? Mental.

(actually, you might already have guessed it from the image up there^)

But wait. Before you take to twitter with your death threats (again), hear us out.

Like you, we had this one in at number one with a bullet, but Ms Tonic insisted.

We discussed the list at Christmas over a dinner.

As we talked, I sat at the table and held both the curved carving knife and her eye contact tight, whilst she explained cooly. The knife was burning in my hands. I looked down and saw it shake. I looked at my knuckles, white, and repeated.

“Warm Cinnamon. Number…number 5”, just letting a hint of incredulity escape, not daring to let any more emotion out in case it should come out in a muderous, uncontrollable mist.

How dare she besmirch the perfection that is Warm Cinnamon?

“Hear me out” she said. She sipped her gin, cool and demure.

She was not fazed, even at all.

“We all know warm cinnamon. We all love it. We all admire it” (The grasp on the knife loosened, albeit briefly.

“No one is saying it’s not a wonderful scent. It is. It’s joyous” she said.

All eyes on the table were on her. My children had stopped squabbling and even my wife had – albeit sadly briefly – shut the fuck up about the pressures of teaching.

“But is it one of the greatest? No” (My grip on the knife re-tightened)

“Go on” I said. No court in the land would convict me for what I was planning to do. For what, by rights, it would be my duty to do.

“I thought it was” she continued. “But is it a cleaning scent? No.”

She sipped

“Its a lovely scent but that’s all it is. It’s not a cleaning scent. Linen Fresh, yes. Linen Fresh is the smell of steaming water, gleaming sinks, mopped floors and open windows letting fresh air in.”

“But Warm Cinnamon doesn’t make your house smell clean. It just makes it smell nice.”

She turned to the youngest child.

“There’s a difference you know” she said.

And you know, she was right.

I let the knife drop and sat down. My youngest child came to me and, with big blue eyes filled, gave me a hug. My eldest was still hunched over his fucking phone, but that is another story.

Ms Tonic was right. The meal was over, and so was Warm Cinnamon’s chances of reaching the coveted #Top14 number 1.

Happy New Year.

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