We love Zoflora.
We love every single thing about it, and we love it more than almost every non animate thing. And (and look away now Mrs Gin) even, perhaps, more than some animate things. Very bloody animated things. Perhaps.
I love it from the moment I see the aisle in Sainsburys. (Damn you Aldi, for not stocking it. I don’t suppose you have noticed Bleach And Tonic is boycotting you, but we most assuredly are).
Everything else is so ordered, apart from the box of Zoflora. It’s like a lucky dip, albeit a dip where every single prize glitters. I flick through the random selection of Zofloras in the box, like I used to flick through records in oh-so-cool Indie record shops
“Yes! A ‘Linen Fresh’; Got two already but I’m having that…. ‘Warm Cinnamaon’; meh, so over that…,’Springtime’; yes, why not, that will go lovely with the Merlot on Saturday night”
I love the dainty packaging and the cuteness of the bottles. Just the perfect size to slip in a hip pocket so you always have a bottle with you, in case you need to ever freshen up.
Then to home, and to clean.
Having a clean house is one of the most glorious things in life.
Walking through a sparkling, preferably empty, house with your things arranged and your Zoflora steaming on the floors and worktops is divine. Heating on, if required, but windows most definitely open. Perhaps the comforting hum of the dishwasher and Mahler in the background. Utter utter bliss.
In the old days, to celebrate, I’d have done a line of Methamphetamines. But now it is lemon tea, and that’s OK. Not great, but OK.
It shows you control your portion of the universe and that you are not daunted by chaos. Even messy people love order. People who, for example, throw one of their shoes off in the bathroom, the other in a ‘Dumb Witness’ way at the top of the stairs and leave towels on the floor
(Only joking darling!)
They themselves love order. Its just that their order is bad. Their order is bad because they do not appreciate control, and cleanliness and, perhaps most of all Zoflora.
Zoflora. The little bottle which helps you conquer the universe.
We love you Zoflora, for as long as the universe lasts.