Us, recreating a spring waterfall in our sink in Manchester.
At the moment we are watching an illegally downloaded copy of ‘La La Land’. They’re singing about sun. We’re sat in our antique armchair, scent spilling through the house. Life is not good. Of course it’s not. But, right at this moment it is not totally terrible.
The scent we smell is NOT of honest to goodness Detol bleach -sensationally BANNED by the increasingly hateful Mrs Gin. Rather it’s Detol’s Spring Waterfall spray.
Delightful name. The name reminds us of ‘Waterfall’ by the Stone Roses. As an aside, we live in the same part of Manchester as Mani out of the Stone Roses. We thought we lived in the same part as Mani and the singer, Ian. Mani hangs around with this guy who you would swear was Ian, the singer in the Stone Roses. But one evening we saw the guy in the Co-Op. He was buying Stella and garlic bread (somewhat depressing). We were buying San Pelligrino and ‘The Good Food Magazine’. Just better. The guy – who we would have sworn in a court of minor law was the singer – had a fleece on that said ‘Craigs (sic) cleaning services’. So, we live in the same part of Manchester as Mani and Craig.
Like marriage, it’s an easy mistake to make. Most Mancuinians of a certain age dress like past it rock stars. Stupid hair, a parka, an attitude, embryonic emphysema and Addias Gazelles. Idiots. We are wearing chinos and a plain shirt from Reiss as we type this. Just much better.
Nevertheless, we like the song. Here it is.
Spring Waterfall. Doesn’t that sound lovely? It does. Well, It is. And it smells even better. It smells wonderful. Light and high. We adore Detol original. Back when we ran ‘Desert Island Disinfectant’ (‘which one bleach would YOU take if you were going to be stranded on a desert island?’) Detol Orignal was a popular choice. A choice we would nod to when our guests mentioned it. Detol. Smells of scouring and disapproval. Smells of a bandage, suppressing nasty sores. Smells clinical. The sort of smell you would want if you were stranded on some god awful paradise. When our guests said Zoflora, we couldn’t blame them – of course we couldn’t, we could NEVER condemn Zoflora. But we couldn’t agree. When push comes to shove, you need brutality in a bleach and Zoflora doesn’t pack it.
Detol Original does. But Detol Spring Waterfall does not. It’s not a ‘Desert Island Disinfectant’. It’s not something you would reach for if, in a moment of madness you had chopped your wife into little bits and were trying to cover your tracks. For that, we imagine, you’d need the ‘Big Guns’ of the cleaning aisle. Domestos or Detol. But for times when you just wanted to sit in your chair, kick back, and fantasise about doing her in – and that’s all it is, just a harmless thought experiment – Detol Spring Waterfall is the one to reach for.
It’s also the one to reach for if you have athlete’s foot, according to the label. That’s kind of an odd claim to make, given the gentleness of the scent. Not fitting at all. Frankly, Bizarre. If you are unfortunate enough to have Tinea pedis (sounds like a girls name), how the hell do you get it on a hob? What are you doing with your feet on a worksurface you animal.
Anyway, that aside. it’s lovely. Our horrific week of working in IT, dodging Manc accents is over. It is Friday, we shut our eyes, sniff, dream and we are free. We can carry it on through it all, we’re a waterfall.